JOKES QUOTES 2

“I told my doctor I broke

my arm in two places.

He told me to keep out

of those places.” 

— Rodney Dangerfield

“Don’t be so humble —

you are not that great.” 

― Golda Meir

“Always forgive your enemies;

nothing annoys them so much.” 

― Oscar Wilde

“I’m sick of following

my dreams, man.

I’m just going to ask

where they’re going and

hook up with ’em later.” 

― Mitch Hedberg

“It is useless to try

to hold a person to

anything he says

while he’s madly in love,

drunk, or running for office.” 

— Shirley MacLaine

“I remember it like

it was yesterday.

Of course,

I don’t really remember

yesterday all that well.” 

— Dory, “Finding Dory”

“Here’s something

to think about:

How come you never see

a headline like

‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” 

— Jay Leno

“I want my children to have

all the things

I couldn’t afford.

Then I want to

move in with them.” 

— Phyllis Diller

“My husband and I

fell in love at first sight.

Maybe I should have

taken a second look.” 

— Halley Reed,

“Crimes and Misdemeanors”

“When my kids become

wild and unruly,

I use a nice, safe playpen.

When they’re finished,

I climb out.” 

― Erma Bombeck

“Everybody knows

how to raise children,

except the people

who have them.” 

― P. J. O’Rourke

“The best way to get

most husbands to do something

is to suggest that perhaps

they’re too old to do it.” 

— Shirley MacLaine

“You know you’re getting old

when you stoop

to tie your shoelaces

and wonder

what else you could do

while you’re down there.” 

― George Burns

“People say,

‘But Betty,

Facebook is a great way

to connect with old friends.’

Well, at my age,

if I want to connect

with old friends,

I need an Ouija board.” 

—Betty White

“Old age is like

everything else.

To make a success of it,

you’ve got to start young.”

— Theodore Roosevelt

“As you get older,

three things happen.

The first is

your memory goes,

and I can’t remember

the other two.” 

― Norman Wisdom

“Health nuts are going

to feel stupid someday,

lying in hospitals

dying of nothing.” 

— Redd Foxx

“People waste their time

pondering whether

a glass is half empty

or half full.

Me, I just drink

whatever’s in the glass.”

— Sophia Petrillo,

“The Golden Girls”

“The optimist proclaims

that we live in the best

of all possible worlds;

and the pessimist

fears this is true.” 

― James Branch Cabell,

“The Silver Stallion”

“Adults are always

asking children

what they want to be

when they grow up

because

they’re looking for ideas.” 

— Paula Poundstone