JOKE QUOTES

"I grew up with six brothers.

That's how I learned to dance:

waiting for the bathroom.”

— Bob Hope

"People can’t drive you crazy

if you don’t give them the keys.”

— Mike Bechtle

"I never feel more alone

than when I’m trying

to put sunscreen on my back.”

— Jimmy Kimmel

"I always cook with wine.

Sometimes I even add it

to the food.”

— W.C. Fields

"My friends tell me

I have an intimacy problem.

But they don't really know me.”

— Garry Shandling

"Ned, I would love to stand here

and talk with you — 

but I’m not going to.”

— Phil Connors (Bill Murray),

Groundhog Day

"I drink to make other people

more interesting.”

— Ernest Hemingway

"Before you marry a person,

you should first make them

use a computer

with slow Internet service

to see who they really are.”

— Will Ferrell

"Love is blind

but marriage

is a real eye-opener.”

— Pauline Thomason

"Everybody wants

to save the earth.

No one wants to help Mom

do the dishes.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

"When I was a kid

my parents moved a lot,

but I always found them.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

"Happiness is having a large,

loving, caring, close-knit family

in another city.”

— George Burns

"When your children

are teenagers,

it’s important to have a dog 

so that someone in the house

is happy to see you.”

— Nora Ephron

"The secret of staying young

is to live honestly, eat slowly,

and lie about your age.”

— Lucille Ball

"You know you’ve reached

middle age

when you’re cautioned

to slow down by your doctor,

instead of by the police.”

— Joan Rivers

"True terror is to wake up

one morning and discover

that your high school class

is running the country.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

"The best way

to appreciate your job

is to imagine yourself

without one.”

— Oscar Wilde

"Why do they call it rush hour

when nothing moves?”

— Robin Williams

"I choose a lazy person

to do a hard job,

because a lazy person will find

an easy way to do it.”

— Bill Gates

"Employers are at their happiest

on Mondays.

Employees are at their happiest

on Fridays.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

"Even if you are

on the right track,

you will get run over

if you just sit there.”

— Will Rogers

"Don’t worry.

If Plan A doesn’t work,

there are 25 more letters

in the alphabet.”

— Unattributed

“Doing nothing

is very hard to do…

you never know

when you’re finished.”

— Leslie Nielsen

"A woman is like a tea bag:

You can't tell how strong she is

until you put her in hot water.”

— Eleanor Roosevelt

"Sometimes

the appropriate response

to reality

is to go insane.”

— Philip K. Dick

"Before you criticize someone,

you should walk a mile

in their shoes.

That way

when you criticize them,

you are a mile away from them

and you have their shoes.”

— Jack Handey

“Have you ever noticed

that anybody driving slower

than you is an idiot,

and anyone going faster

than you is a maniac?” 

— George Carlin